Monday, March 23, 2009

Bernt's mum has passed away

Today, Monday March 23, at 2:15am our dear mother Toos Roelofs passed away.

Mirjam, one of mama's nurses who had a special rapport with her, was on duty and keeping watch. Gerben, Tanja and Charise had been there on Sunday, and not been sure whether to return to Oostzaan (a 100 minute drive). In the end they drove back – mama had been close to critical before, and it looked like the end was not that near yet.

Around 2am Mirjam called Gerben to say that mama had deteriorated quickly and the children should come (Gerben would call Anne Marie and Ric). However mama passed away within 15 minutes. Probably the way she wanted to - privately and quietly: we were just not meant to be there.

The last week while I was back in Melbourne, mama had been getting worse. I kept track of flight availabilities but didn’t want to leave too early in case mama had a relapse again: she had surprised us a few times before.

While all the euphoria of buying our new house was happening, it was also clear that mama was getting critical, so I organised to fly back to Holland on Sunday – we even dropped by at the real estate agent’s on our way to the airport to have the contract of sale modified. Talking about mixed feelings…

Sunrise over Europe - is mama still alive?
I had a long stopover in Kuala Lumpur and there was an email from Gerben that the situation hadn't changed much and he'd be at Schiphol in the morning. However when I arrived Tanja was there instead of Gerben. My first thought was that Gerben had fallen ill, but Tanja had to break the sad news to me. It was still quite a shock - after all those false alarms, you almost didn't believe it would happen.

Emotions followed each other rapidly: disbelief at first, then a short period of upset because I was too late again (just like with papa 13 months earlier), followed by relief, just plain relief. Mama didn't have to suffer anymore - she'd been ready for quite some time and before she got this bad she had been praying to be relieved from this life, and be reunited with dad and her parents.

There was also personal relief. Mama's past rollercoaster had been draining us all: getting ready for her to go, and then she'd recover again.

Tanja and I drove to Hengelo. Mama had been fully prepared already - Mirjam and Annelies (another nurse) had done that under direction of the funeral directors.

Mama looked better than she had been for quite a while - the relief was visible in her face too. I normally find it a bit strange to see a deceased person, but it felt quite natural to see mama there.

We had decided to keep mama at home until the funeral, just like with dad. It made it possible to sit with mama any time we wanted to, and slowly say our good-byes. So mama stayed in the same bed in the living room she'd been in for the past year.

Then the busy week of organising the funeral started. Tineke, a friend of mine who prepares and delivers eulogies, had recommended Nolet, a funeral director, and the two of them managed everything wonderfully.

Mama is in state in the backroom
On Friday night we had a memorial service in church, and afterwards people could come to our house on the Enschedesestraat to give their condolences, and also to physically say goodbye to mama in the house where she had lived for the past 37 years.

Saturday was the day of the funeral. It rained cats and dogs that day – Doris tells me this is considered a very good sign in Asian cultures: the sun should shine when you get married, but rain on your funeral day is good for the soul of the departed.

The funeral was in the Lambertuskerk on the Enschedesestraat – the same church mama got baptised in 77 years before. Countless times mama had walked down the road from home to church, and now she was driven the same route, with Tineke and Nolet walking ahead of the hearse in the pouring rain.

Walking to the Lambertuskerk - Mama was also baptised there
The funeral was worthy of mama. Many people came to pay their last respects. We were surprised about the large number, considering how little mama had stayed in contact with people in recent times. Obviously mama was well-loved and remembered fondly by many.

In church - mama's cousin André was presiding
It was a fitting farewell for our dearly beloved mother who has, and still does mean so much to us all.

Toos Roelofs' Eulogy

In grateful memory of

Toos Roelofs-Ribberink

* 10 March 1932 † 23 March 2009

Mama

Toos grew up in a closely-knit family, together with her younger brother Ben. When mama was 21, she lost both her mother and her father within one month of each other. Mama never managed to fully process this earth-shaking experience.
Toos was a strong, intelligent woman with a sociable and caring personality. Partially because she was such a good judge of human nature, mama was very much appreciated when she worked as a social worker.
Our family was the most important thing in her life. Mama wanted it to be warm and close, which wasn’t always easy to achieve. With enormous and selfless dedication she applied herself to this. Saturday nights with games, sodas and potato chips are a dear memory to us.
Mama’s humour was characterised by short, razor-sharp statements. This trait even surfaced in the last few months.
Toos was a devout woman, but in a private manner. Religion was important in our upbringing, and if we ever didn’t feel like going to church, mama would say: ‘You don’t have to, but you wíll go’.
Mama loved children. This makes it extra sad that she only had a short time to enjoy her own grandchildren.
Regrettably mama wasn’t able to enjoy life freely. There were always things she was worried about. Because of the high standards she applied to herself, she often lacked confidence. So mama preferred her own, trusted environment: “No, just leave me at home”. Her illness increased this need in the latter years of her life: she realised she couldn’t blindly trust her own memory anymore. This caused papa and mama to grow closer. More and more they would sit hand-in-hand at the kitchen table.
The last two years mama’s health deteriorated drastically. External aid needed to be arranged, which she initially found hard to accept. The last year this got better, and mama regularly showed her appreciation to her caring attendants. A walk in the fresh outside air was often combined with a cup of coffee or an ice cream in the city. She was able to enjoy this intensely. Back at home she would enjoy André Rieu and the books about old Hengelo.
March 10th we celebrated mama's 77th birthday. She had an inconceivably good day. She couldn’t talk anymore, but understood everything, and her facial expressions spoke volumes.
Afterwards she rapidly went downhill and in the early morning of March 23 mama departed peacefully. It was good.

Mama, thanks for everything, you were a wonderful mother.

Toos Roelofs' Bidprentje

In dankbare herinnering aan

Toos Roelofs-Ribberink

* 10 maart 1932         † 23 maart 2009

Mama

Toos groeide op in een hecht gezin, samen met haar jongere broer Ben. Toen ze 21 was, verloor ze binnen één maand zowel haar moeder als vader. Deze ingrijpende gebeurtenis heeft mama nooit goed kunnen verwerken.
Toos was een sterke, intelligente vrouw met een heel sociaal karakter. Mede dankzij haar mensenkennis was zij een zeer gewaardeerd maatschappelijk werkster.
Ons gezin was het belangrijkste in haar leven. Dit moest warm en hecht zijn, wat niet altijd eenvoudig was. Met een enorme inzet, zichzelf wegcijferend, zette mama zich hiervoor in. De zaterdagavonden met spelletjes, frisdrank en chips, zijn een dierbare herinnering voor ons.
De humor van mama kenmerkte zich door haar korte, vlijmscherpe opmerkingen. Deze eigenschap kwam zelfs in de laatste maanden nog naar boven.
Toos was een diep gelovige vrouw, maar hield dit voor zichzelf. Het geloof speelde ook in onze opvoeding een belangrijke rol en als we eens geen zin hadden om naar de kerk te gaan, dan zei mama: “Je hoeft niet, maar je gaat wel”.
Mama was dol op kinderen. Het is dan ook jammer dat ze maar zo kort heeft kunnen genieten van haar kleinkinderen.
Helaas was mama niet in staat onbevangen van het leven te genieten. Altijd waren er wel dingen waar ze tegen opzag. Door de hoge eisen die ze aan zichzelf stelde, was ze onzeker. Mama was dan ook het liefst in haar eigen, vertrouwde omgeving: “Nee, laat mij maar lekker thuis”. Deze behoefte werd de laatste jaren door haar ziekte alleen maar groter: ze merkte dat ze niet langer blindelings op haar geheugen kon vertrouwen. Dit bracht papa en mama dichter bij elkaar. Ze zaten steeds vaker hand in hand aan de keukentafel.
De laatste twee jaar verslechterde mama’s gezondheid sterk. Het inschakelen van externe hulp was niet langer te voorkomen. Mama kon dit eerst moeilijk accepteren. Het laatste jaar ging dit beter en uitte mama regelmatig haar dankbaarheid aan haar liefdevolle verzorgers. Een wandeling in de frisse lucht werd vaak onderbroken voor een kopje koffie of een ijsje in de stad. Hier kon ze intens van genieten. Eenmaal thuis genoot ze van André Rieu en de boekjes van Oald Hengel.
Op 10 maart hebben we mama’s 77e verjaardag gevierd. Ze had een onvoorstelbaar goede dag. Praten lukte niet meer, maar ze begreep alles en haar gezichtsuitdrukkingen spraken boekdelen.
Daarna ging het snel bergafwaarts en op de vroege ochtend van 23 maart is ze rustig ingeslapen. Het was goed.

Mama, bedankt voor alles, je was een geweldige moeder.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Looking for a House - again

After we returned from Tasmania and Europe last year we looked for a house around Brighton East, where Christopher and Annabelle would go to the Melbourne Montessori School. We ended up finding our current rental house in Bentleigh East. Although the house is OK, we are having a hard time coming to grips with suburbia. The lack of trees (and water views), the busy traffic and the noise are bothering us the most. Not surprising of course, after our time in Tassie and on the North Sea Canal in Holland.

Christopher settled in wonderfully at the Melbourne Montessori School, and Annabelle started at its Early Learning Centre for two 2-hour afternoons per week. This is her first time away from mum and dad, so it was quite hard for her the first few times.
Luckily Annabelle’s classroom is next to Christopher's, and on one afternoon her teacher called him in: her big brother then held her and dried her tears...

Annabelle loves drawing
Even though she still doesn't like being dropped off, Annabelle does enjoy being 'at school', and when we come to pick her up she's always participating fully. Our little girl is not a baby anymore (of course she is turning 3 in June).

So we had a dilemma: staying in suburbia where we're not really happy, or leaving a school where our kids are thriving. In the end the decision was simple: there are a few other Montessori schools in Melbourne (and we feel it's mostly the Montessori approach to education that suits our kids), and we need to be somewhere where we are comfortable.

And we need some stability: we moved 5 times in the past six years (not counting all the moves around our trip to Europe last year), and it really is time to settle down.

So we set our sights on the Eltham area - on the North-East of Melbourne, not too far from the city and Doris' parents, and close to the Plenty Valley Montessori School, which has a good reputation. Eltham is more rural than normal Melbourne suburbia, there are many parks and trees, and we could see ourselves living there.

In December we started to look in and around Eltham for houses to buy. By now we must have looked at hundreds on the internet, and visited at least 20 in real life. We seriously considered buying a block of land and building our own house, but land is in short supply, and the block we liked was too limiting and expensive.

Kangaroo in Diamond Creek
A few real estate agents had mentioned properties in Diamond Creek - a suburb we didn't know. We looked at these properties on Google Maps, with its fantastic Street View features. In case you don't know: Google has driven around most of the main population areas in the US and Australia (and has started in Europe too) with a car-mounted camera that takes 360-degree photos every few meters. So now besides the great satellite imaging on maps.google.com, you can also see what an area looks like from the road. Try it: you can't see our new house (because it's at the end of a long driveway), but our current house is easily viewed.

Diamond Creek didn't look that nice on the internet: a bit barren and tree-less, so we weren't too interested. Then on Thursday we went to have a look at a house there. The house was OK, but not quite our style. However we were quite impressed with Diamond Creek itself. It has a real community feel, and is lovely, on the edge of Melbourne. It reminds me a bit of how Taroona is a self-contained community outside, but really part of, Hobart in Tasmania.

Back Home for a Week - Why not Buy a House?

Our new home

On Thursday night we found a house in Diamond Creek on the internet that was open for inspection today. Doris had actually seen it a few months earlier, but we hadn’t really been looking in Diamond Creek. So we checked it out extensively on the internet. It looked quite nice, but of course most properties get presented really well (the right (wide) angle does a lot in a photo), and in real life they're often not as nice.
Note that in the above photo the house is the whole thing - you wouldn't be the first to ask 'which one of the three houses is it?'...

The living room

Doris had to accompany Christopher to a birthday party today, so I went to look at the house by myself. My practice is to take photos and videos to remind myself (it's amazing how easily you can get houses mixed up when you look at 5 or 6 in a row), and also to show Doris afterwards. So I had our little Canon camera in video-mode, giving a running commentary. It is really funny to watch this now: it starts of pretty matter-of-factly, simply describing things, but then my voice is starting to show more and more enthusiasm while I'm going through the house. It was literally love at first sight!

Rear Deck

When I first walked in I’d forgotten the price and asked the real estate agent. It turned out that it had been auctioned the week before and passed-in (i.e. not sold), with only a $6500 gap between the highest bid and what the sellers wanted. Because the asking price was below our maximum level, I knew we could afford to buy it.
After I’d seen the house I checked out the neighbourhood and spoke to a couple of the neighbours to find out about the area. All very positive, and it is very unlikely that developments will destroy the beautiful tree-filled views from the house. Incidentally the people I spoke to were all very nice, and all immigrants… British, South African and Canadian! People often come to Australia because of the space, and for most people that is unaffordable, and not even available within cities like Sydney and Melbourne. But at the edge of these cities you can still get reasonably sized blocks of land that are affordable, and also give you a rural feel. Diamond Creek is about 30km from the centre of Melbourne – about a 40 minute drive without traffic.
30 kms from the city

After I’d checked everything out, I called Doris and told her I didn’t want to look for houses anymore… she was a bit shocked and said ‘but we need to do something Bernt’, so I suggested we’d just buy this one. ‘Is it that good?’ she asked. I picked Doris and the kids up from Bentleigh, and we had another inspection that afternoon at 4:30pm. We’re a very fortunate couple: we very much have the same taste in things, so unsurprisingly Doris and the kids loved it too, and we signed the contract by 5pm!

So what is so nice about this house? Well, basically it has got everything (we think) that we would want in a house, it is fairly new (6 years old) and in a great condition, it is architecturally designed (and the architect actually lived in it for 4 years) and well-built with good quality materials.
If we were to design and build our own house, it wouldn't be much different from this. We only would've tried to have a double garage (it has only a single garage, but the second car can be parked next to the garage, so you still get easy access to both cars), and we would've used double glazing with uPVC door and window frames. The double glazing is really a pity, but the (aluminium) window frames they used are high quality - better than the standard shocking quality they often use in Australia, even in high-end houses.

This is literally a house that meets our needs for the next 20-30 years:

Floorplan of our New Home in Diamond Creek

It's got 4 bedrooms and a large (open) study, so with the four of us (and we're not planning on any more children) there's room for visitors. Even if Bernt's brother or sister from Holland would visit with their families, there would be enough space: they could use the upstairs area, with master bedroom, study and bathroom. 4 people could easily sleep there with a good degree of privacy and comfort.

Dining Area

The 'living side' of the house has a very open feel, which we both like. This is amplified by the high ceilings - I believe they're around 2.8m throughout the house (I can't reach the ceiling anywhere), another thing we would've done if we'd built ourselves.
There are essentially two large living areas with an open kitchen, from which you can go to the north-facing (so the sunny side, for you northern hemisphere dwellers...) deck and enjoy magnificent views of tree-lined hills. As you can see in the photos, the main living area (which has a real open fire place, not one of those gas-fuelled things) has large windows which capture the views.
The kitchen is in this area too, so if you're working on the island kitchen bench you can enjoy the view. There's oodles of storage space in the kitchen, and the (granite) benches are at Dutch height - i.e., Bernt can do the dishes without getting a sore back, as he does in every Australian house he's lived in, the notable exception being Taroona, where we designed our own kitchen. And Dutch height doesn't mean it's too high for Doris - it's just right. Speaking of doing the dishes - we won't have to do that anymore: there's one of those Fisher and Paykel dishwashers with two drawers: only use one, and limited water and electricity when you've got a small load.

Kitchen

The adjacent second living area can have a play area for the kids on one side (for the next few years at least) and the television on the other side (surround sound wiring is already in the walls). Speaking of wiring - it seems that the house is completely wired-up for data, something I would've done if we'd built ourselves too: in the study there's an outlet with 5 Ethernet sockets.

TV and Lounge room

When Doris and I started looking for houses 6 years ago we saw a new house that had a very interesting feature: a shower with two showerheads on opposing walls. Ever since then I’ve been joking that I’d like that in our house, because I just ‘love looking at Doris in the shower’. We never saw that feature again, and with our subsequent 5 moves we must have seen at least 1000 houses on the internet, and visited at least 150. But… this house has it! It really feels like it is meant for us!

From rough calculations the house is about 260 m2 (or 28 squares for Australians), and the main land area (excluding the driveway) is around 850 m2. We both hate the new houses that have been in fashion in Australia for years now, where a block of land is fully filled with a huge house. You're 1.5m from the fence, and so is your neighbour, so you look straight into each other’s house. And that huge house needs to be heated and especially cooled in summer. It is unbelievable that in this day and age with resource depletion and global warming disaster looming, Australians are still building these houses. While I'm on the environmental issues - the house has a big water tank, underneath the house - again what I would've done. Plus, all water collected from all roofs end up in this water tank. (Aug 2010: I later found out only half of the roof was collected, but we put two more tanks in last year and now all water is collected).
We recently saw an example of the brain-dead, money-driven approach that builders in Australia take: friends of ours built a new house, and it's got a water tank. On the very long wall where the water tank is located, there are three or four downpipes from the roof. However ONLY ONE ends up in the water tank... when I asked why, it turns out that that's enough to give the house the government's environmental star-rating... Unbelievable.

Another friend of ours who lives in Queensland where they have enormous downpours said they may have done that because otherwise the tanks would overflow. That would be true in Queensland, but not normally in Victoria, where we should save every drop of water we can.
The Victorian government is building a huge desalination plant about 150km from Melbourne, which has huge environmental impacts: it will use ridiculous amounts of electricity, coming from coal-driven power stations, which will add enormously to our carbon emissions. And I believe there's huge direct impacts too because it makes the seawater saltier and therefore affects all flora and fauna in the ocean in the immediate vicinity of the plant.
If we collected all the rainwater that fell on the one-odd million roofs in Melbourne, we probably wouldn't need a desalination plant. The billions spent on this plant would've been much better spent subsidising water tanks. And to stay on my soapbox: if people were more careful with their water use, we really wouldn't have a problem. But it does require a change of habits. I shower with the water on for only a minute or two - the rest of the time I use a long, soaped-up cloth (the skin towel from the Body Shop), to wash my whole body. The Victorian government is trying to get people to do 3 minute showers. And the cold water that comes out of the showerhead when you turn the hot water on we collect in a bucket and put in the washing machine and toilet. So our water usage with four people (and a really inefficiently large spa bath) is less than an average Victorian household's usage of two people without a garden (our water bills show the comparison).

A quick footnote though: an environmentally conscious acquaintance recently pointed out to me that there has been so little rain in Victoria the past 5 years that even if we collected it all in tanks, there still may not be enough. So there may be a good reason for the desalination plant in the long run…
Beautiful gumtree in the garden
Off the soapbox again...

The water tank is used for drip-irrigating the garden. In the longer term we might use that water also for flushing the toilets for instance. The garden is quite well established, and seems to have a good variety of plants, including we think at least 6 fruit trees: we saw oranges, lemons, limes and possibly almonds. We're not big gardeners, although Doris says she likes it, and in this garden it could be fun too: it's not too big to be a burden. There's also established composting, another thing we don't have to do anymore. The land is sloping down from the house, but not so much that it's hard to get around, and there's room for a swing, trampoline etc.

And then the thing that sold Christopher: Since the house is on a slope, it is approximately 2 meters above ground level on the north side. This is where the water tank is put underneath the house, but there’s also an additional storage area (with a concreted floor) that we can convert to a model train room.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Update on mama (3)

After the very good day (relatively) that mama had on her birthday last week, she had a big relapse on Wednesday. This was to be expected, since eventhough we kept the day quiet, there was still much more activity around her than normal.
But regrettably unlike previous relapses where she slowly got better again, this time that hasn't happened (yet?). As of yesterday mama could only take liquid food, and her swallowing is such that the nurses are worried about mama choking on her food. Today (it's now noon in Holland) she hasn't had anything to drink yet.
Eventhough mama doesn't speak anymore, she is still reasonably aware because she has slight reactions to things. However mama is sleeping most of the time.

I arrived back from Holland last Friday, so in time for Doris' 40th on Saturday. It looks like I may be flying back to Holland soon, maybe tomorrow even.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mama's Birthday

Yesterday we celebrated mama's 77th birthday. Mama had a really good day, was awake most of the day, and we think she realised it was her birthday. There were lots of flowers and cards, but the number of visitors was kept to a minimum so mama wouldn't get too tired.

Around coffee time at night all of us children were there with mama, and as you can see from the picture we had a lovely time. Mama responded well to the little jokes that were being made - mostly with one of her many very expressive facial expressions, but even with some appropriate comments.

It was a better day than we could have hoped for, and will be a great memory.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Update on mama (2)

Since the last entry mama has gone downhill a bit again. She's not very responsive and sleeps most of the day. Mama is eating and drinking well, partially thanks to some of the medication she's taking.
Coming Tuesday (March 10) is mama's 77th birthday. We didn't really expect her to make that, but now it looks like she will.
On Wednesday I'll be flying back to Australia, to be back in Melbourne in time for Doris' 40th birthday on Saturday. If mama doesn't make it I'll stay in Holland longer, and otherwise I'll fly back for the funeral.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Update on mama

Over the past week mama was gradually going downhill; becoming less responsive, sleeping more etc. On Saturday night I even felt we needed to stay by her bedside, but the nurse didn't think it was that bad.
Sunday was ok, but then on Monday (yesterday) it was like she got a new lease on life. From early in the morning she was suddenly talking more and strongly, barely slept all day, and was very aware of her environment. At times she even made little jokes in response to things we were saying!
Today isn't as good as yesterday, but still better than the past week.

It seems that the pattern of three steps backwards and two forward is continuing.